SPOILER ME1 - A Safe Place

by *jameson9101322

Shepard's final battle with Sovereign left the Citadel broken into both a physical and political shambles.  The immediate threat had passed, but not even a flirt with extinction could change the Council's mind when it came to the Reapers.  It was beyond Shepard's logical comprehension how the leaders of all intelligent life could possibly deny the impending threat that had literally bitten them in the face. When she returned to the Normandy, she was in utter physical and mental exhaustion.

The war hero changed into fatigues at the airlock and took the elevator down to the crew quarters.  Kaiden was there; she could see him in his usual spot near the door to her room; but his presence was very little comfort.  They were intimate and he adored her, but right now the biotic felt like a different kind of work.  When he looked at her with love, it was borderline idolization.  Shepard didn't feel worthy of that even in her highest moments and she didn't have the strength to deal with him just then.  She sneaked into the infirmary to check on her wounded strike team instead.

"Shepard!"  Garrus cheered when he saw her and shoved up from an examination table.  His right arm was hung in a sling with bandages strapped up the same side.  He limped to meet her but was intercepted by Dr. Chakwas who pressured him back into his seat like a barroom bouncer.  

Shepard smiled and closed the distance herself, "Garrus, how are you?"

"He's passable," Dr Chakwas replied, "I'm trying to keep him still but he's restless."

"I'm fine, Shepard, really," Garrus said, "the doctor underestimates my performance capability.  Plus I'm pumped full of drugs, nothing much bothers me at all!"

"Exactly," Dr. Chakwas lilted, "all the more reason to keep you from injuring yourself further."

Shepard watched him fidget and her weary mood returned, "Give it to me straight, Doctor."

"He'll mend," Dr. Chakwas replied, "the destruction of the Citadel took it out of your poor team, you were very fortunate to escape unscathed."

"Yeah," Shepard admitted slowly, "how's Wrex?"

The Doctor sighed and glanced over her shoulder toward the closed door at the back of the room.  The pause sent Shepard's mind racing.  Dr. Chakwas lowered her voice so that Garrus couldn't hear over his own good-natured humming, "I'll be honest, Commander, I really don't know what to do for him.  His injuries are mostly internal, but he's covered in natural armor plating and I'm not sure how to treat him.  The Krogan are hushed about their medicine.  I have diagrams about organ placement but the best I can confidently do is sedate him and read clinical notes while his body heals itself."

Shepard's heart sank.  She was particularly raw about Wrex.  The tense moment on Virmire when he'd sacrificed so much to follow her helped her see the depth past his tough-as-nails exterior.  She couldn't escape the feeling she'd let him down specifically by rolling over to the Council, "can I go in?"

"He's unconscious," Dr. Chakwas replied, "unlike Garrus, pain medication does not make a Krogan pleasant.  I've given him enough to tranq a horse.  He'll be down for hours."

Shepard felt the tiniest bit of a smile tug at her lip, "I'd still like to see him."

"Of course, Commander."  Dr. Chakwas crossed the room and opened the door.  The  room's only occupant was a snoring lump laying on his side with a sheet pulled up to his shoulder.  It was funny to see Wrex laid out like that; she doubted Krogan used sheets and beds the way humans did.

Dr. Chakwas whispered out of habit, "do remember it's a chemically induced coma," she studied Shepard's face, "he'll most likely be fine.  Krogan have plenty of extra organs; they are extremely tough - as long as we keep him calm, nature should take care of itself."

"Thanks Doctor," Shepard said, although the knowledge didn't help her guilt problem.  She called to the Turian across the room, "Garrus."

He was delighted to be addressed, "Yes?"

Shepard lowered her voice, "I want to sit with Wrex a while.  Please keep an eye out for Kaiden.  I don't really want to see him right now."

"Right, Commander!"  Garrus agreed, "If he comes asking, I'll divert him."

"Thank you," she sighed and turned to the Doctor, "come get me if it's important."

"Yes ma'am."

Shepard stepped out of the light.  The door slid closed behind her, leaving her alone with her sleeping teammate, a moment's peace and the thoughts in her head.  No one would bother her in here and she had some things she needed to get off her chest, "Wrex?"

There was no answer, but she could hear the echo of his customary "Shepard" in the back of her head.  

She sat down within the curve of his repose and patted him on the shoulder, "I just wanted to say I was sorry about all this - about you and Garrus being hurt and the genophage cure; I know how much that meant to you."  She sighed, "I'm sorry if it wasn't worth it."

Virmire haunted her, recalling it brought up other memories she'd carried heavily in her heart. She swallowed hard before speaking again, "I'm sorry for letting Ashley and her soldiers die after vowing to leave no one behind; and all those times I was unable to help or do for people what I promised; and all the people who'll die now because I can't stop the Reapers."  She bowed her head, "everything we've been through and all I got was a nod and a handshake.  I bet that's just what you needed to feel better, right Wrex?" She rubbed her hand on his arm, tracing the ridges of his plated skin through the sheet, "I don't think we did any good."

Shepard put her head in her hand and leaned forward on the bed with her eyes closed.  The thought of the Reapers made her sick to her stomach, "I can't believe this his happening... just imagining the death and destruction that's coming... we could stand and fight if we were prepared but we'd need every moment to be even close to ready.  Instead we're denying it ever happened.  What was the point of it all?  In the end I haven't saved anyone."  She took a shuddering breath, "and Kaiden; I feel like I used him.  I needed comfort and I took it from him without really thinking about the consequences.  I do care about him but not the same way he feels for me.  He's fallen in love with me and I... I don't know.  It's not the same."  This was the first time she'd tried to vocalize her thoughts, things started making sense the more she spoke, "when we're together I feel like he's waiting for me to lead him.  He's expecting me to take charge.  I know being his commanding officer has a lot to do with that, but..." she studied the dark corner of the room, "I don't really want that in my romantic relationship.  I don't always want to be powerful, I want a chance to be vulnerable.  I want to feel protected... and safe."

She realized she'd wandered off on a tangent and started petting Wrex again, "sorry.  You don't care about any of that.  I didn't come in here to rant about my personal problems."

She sighed again, realizing how much sighing there had been since the Council meeting, "I should probably tell you this again when you wake up, but you and Garrus have become very important to me.  I started taking you on missions strategically, but I've learned to rely and trust you both with my life.  Especially you, Wrex, you've already sacrificed so much for me; I know how hard it is for you to swallow your pride but you surrendered the thing cared about most at my request.  We disagree on so many things yet you've stayed loyal through the hardest parts."  Her heart swelled, "I can't tell you how proud of you I was when you put down that gun.  Krogan are supposed to be brutal beyond remorse but you're possibly the wisest person I've ever met.  It's an honor to call you my friend," she shook her head, "and I'm glad I didn't have to kill you."

"Same here."

She gasped and removed her hand, "Wrex?"

He adjusted his shoulder under the weight of his body, "Shepard."

"Doctor Chakwas said you were comatose," Shepard marveled, "what are you doing up?"

His eyes were still shut and his response was groggy, "drugs don't last as long in Krogan.  We break them down."

"Then how long -" she realized what she'd been saying, "how much have you heard?"

"Enough."

She frowned, "why didn't you say anything?"

He mused a bit, "Krogan work things out by breaking stuff.  Humans talk.  A lot."  He opened one red eye, "you needed to talk and talking was easier when you thought no one was listening."

He was right, of course.  At least she knew he'd keep her secrets just as well conscious, "then if nothing else you know I was telling the truth.  Do you think less of me now?"

He closed his eye and got comfortable again, "no."

Wrex's stoic approval made everything a little better, he wasn't the type to tell her a reassuring lie.  He was strong and she recognized it well in that tired moment, "Can I ask a strange favor?"

"Depends."

"Can I.. lay here for a while?"  Suddenly embarrassed, she hurried to qualify the question, "I need a rest and I don't want to go back to my room and I  don't want to be alone.  I know you'll be professional and won't assume it means something more than just consolation," she bowed her head, "and I steal comfort from people."

"Hmph."

"If it's too strange just say so and we'll never speak of it again," she said, "actually please don't either way."

His gruff voice was emotionless, "I've been asleep this whole time."

It took a moment to process what that meant, "so yes?"

Wrex relaxed his heavy frame on the bed, "do what you want."

It was as much an invitation as she was going to get.  Shepard lay on top of the sheet and tucked herself into the curve of his torso, using his pinned arm as a pillow and pressing her ear tight against the tortoise-shell on his chest.  Inside she could hear four lungs and two hearts working in even partition, the backup organs slightly staggered, creating a womblike echo that rattled off the walls of his tough hide.  She felt like a child again; tucked into her parents' bed after a nightmare. It was safety at last.

Wrex's free arm tightened around her shoulder and she heard him drop back into sleep.  He still trusted her.  Maybe if she kept faith in herself she could keep this calm supported feeling with her when she spoke with Kaiden or with the Council, but those were conversations for another time.  For now she was mentally and physically exhausted and she was somewhere she knew she could finally rest.